So for context, last Xmas I was fresh out of the hospital for brainz, my grandmother was visiting from across the ocean, and I was trying SUPER DUPER HARD to not go back into the hospital while my grandmother was visiting. However, my mental health generally requires a fairly specific routine (especially when in brain weasel land) in order to keep an even keel. Any visitors, but particularly a month and a half long visit from the Family Matriarch is wont to disrupt that routine and I ended up spending about half of her visit holed up on the computer, etc. Oh, and also right around then both my BFF dog and my aunt died. (Also, I got to be the one to arrange for my dog's euthanasia and sign all the papers and advocate for it being time, and then once he died everyone was all, "Oh we should have done this sooner!" And that was also so not fun. Oh, and then I got horrible food poisoning requiring 4 ER visits for IV fluids. Basically: last holidays were horrible.)
So we are coming up on Sad Anniversary times, *and* my grandmother is coming back in January which yay but also omg I need to prepare a mental fortress for my own devices and not help caretaking for a 95 year old for a month. Some help, yes. Help all the time, no.
On the plus side, I am generally doing way better mental health wise than last year. I have an emotional support cat. I am on Hormones For Mental Health, which I was skeptical of at one point but OMG HUGE DIFFERENCE. I have always always had horrible PMS which had evolved into basically debating whether or not I needed to go to the ER once a month. After two weeks of PMS-fueled Bipolar mood swings. With the wonderful addition of Progesterone, I now have what I would call "normal" PMS. Like, I would like chocolate! I get a migraine/bloating/cramps, which sucks. However, I do not start searching for all the terminal exits on a montly basis, only to have these issues magically resolve once I have ruined yet another pair of underwear.
The other thing that has helped improve things is a double-edged sword. I was having all these weird memory problems on top of all these other weird health problems. And then I basically started recognizing all the toxic/abusive stuff that goes down in my family which is completely normalized in my family structure, and magically pain and memory issues started to recede. So on the one hand, I have all this healing from Trauma(s) to do and am also pissed with health care providers who were all, "Clearly this is a Conversion Disorder!" who were somewhat right but also provided no help in figuring shit out. Or you know, mental health care providers who just shuttled things back to physical health people. I am also still *living* with certain toxic family members, and even though I am working on partner and cat and I moving out as soon as possible...it is still super stressful and not easy mentally to be here. Like, "Oh hai, we are going to have a screaming in someone's face fest over something inconsequential instead of Using Our Words? Great."
But, um, yay naming the Trauma helping me feel better? Oh! It's also way way way helped with my intuition, I'd guess you'd call it. It can be for bigger things, or also small things like, "I should totally wear my sneakers today," and other brain will go, "Why, we are just going for a quick drive," but then trip will involve mud or walking or something. So that's also kind of cool.
Sort of better than last year?
So we are coming up on Sad Anniversary times, *and* my grandmother is coming back in January which yay but also omg I need to prepare a mental fortress for my own devices and not help caretaking for a 95 year old for a month. Some help, yes. Help all the time, no.
On the plus side, I am generally doing way better mental health wise than last year. I have an emotional support cat. I am on Hormones For Mental Health, which I was skeptical of at one point but OMG HUGE DIFFERENCE. I have always always had horrible PMS which had evolved into basically debating whether or not I needed to go to the ER once a month. After two weeks of PMS-fueled Bipolar mood swings. With the wonderful addition of Progesterone, I now have what I would call "normal" PMS. Like, I would like chocolate! I get a migraine/bloating/cramps, which sucks. However, I do not start searching for all the terminal exits on a montly basis, only to have these issues magically resolve once I have ruined yet another pair of underwear.
The other thing that has helped improve things is a double-edged sword. I was having all these weird memory problems on top of all these other weird health problems. And then I basically started recognizing all the toxic/abusive stuff that goes down in my family which is completely normalized in my family structure, and magically pain and memory issues started to recede. So on the one hand, I have all this healing from Trauma(s) to do and am also pissed with health care providers who were all, "Clearly this is a Conversion Disorder!" who were somewhat right but also provided no help in figuring shit out. Or you know, mental health care providers who just shuttled things back to physical health people. I am also still *living* with certain toxic family members, and even though I am working on partner and cat and I moving out as soon as possible...it is still super stressful and not easy mentally to be here. Like, "Oh hai, we are going to have a screaming in someone's face fest over something inconsequential instead of Using Our Words? Great."
But, um, yay naming the Trauma helping me feel better? Oh! It's also way way way helped with my intuition, I'd guess you'd call it. It can be for bigger things, or also small things like, "I should totally wear my sneakers today," and other brain will go, "Why, we are just going for a quick drive," but then trip will involve mud or walking or something. So that's also kind of cool.