My brain is a piece of shit that decides OH HEY, instead of attempting that getting better thing we keep thinking about because there's, like, time and space and safety enough for it? How's about we decide NOPE AVOIDANCE TIME and traipse off to fling more stressors into the mix? THAT WON'T BE A PROBLEM AT ALL.
The annoying part is I can and do totally frame this as reclaiming a thing that I lost years and years and YEARS ago (cf, being a veterinarian/having that drive toward science helping people/animals) by way of going and learning how to do Worthwhile Science Work in a lab setting where I don't have to deal with people. As much. (Or horrible pet owner tricks, which is frankly what drove me out of the field as a preteen in the first place.) It's just that going back to school would be stressful under any circumstance, let alone one where I'm also moving (within the city, but still) and potentially finding a damn therapist.
Which doesn't even TOUCH on the fact that it's the holidays and my mother is, as a result, stepping up contact. I have been... a year and a half now? With no contact in place on my end of things, and a clearly stated desire for her not to initiate, not that that's done shit for the emails. I am honestly wondering how long before she steps up to calling/showing up unannounced/attempting to get other people to participate in this bullshit, since ... well, let me quote y'all the BEST part of this pseudo-apology: "I'm sorry for whatever boundaries you feel I have crossed."
Iiiii could keep ranting but we'll just leave it there for now because that's what I can deal with tonight.
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branchandroot
[tw: family being fuckheads]
Date: 2014-11-22 04:55 am (UTC)My brain is a piece of shit that decides OH HEY, instead of attempting that getting better thing we keep thinking about because there's, like, time and space and safety enough for it? How's about we decide NOPE AVOIDANCE TIME and traipse off to fling more stressors into the mix? THAT WON'T BE A PROBLEM AT ALL.
The annoying part is I can and do totally frame this as reclaiming a thing that I lost years and years and YEARS ago (cf, being a veterinarian/having that drive toward science helping people/animals) by way of going and learning how to do Worthwhile Science Work in a lab setting where I don't have to deal with people. As much. (Or horrible pet owner tricks, which is frankly what drove me out of the field as a preteen in the first place.) It's just that going back to school would be stressful under any circumstance, let alone one where I'm also moving (within the city, but still) and potentially finding a damn therapist.
Which doesn't even TOUCH on the fact that it's the holidays and my mother is, as a result, stepping up contact. I have been... a year and a half now? With no contact in place on my end of things, and a clearly stated desire for her not to initiate, not that that's done shit for the emails. I am honestly wondering how long before she steps up to calling/showing up unannounced/attempting to get other people to participate in this bullshit, since ... well, let me quote y'all the BEST part of this pseudo-apology: "I'm sorry for whatever boundaries you feel I have crossed."
Iiiii could keep ranting but we'll just leave it there for now because that's what I can deal with tonight.