I'm late but I was doing pretty fucking good until this morning. So. Have some fresh tea-or-cocoa on me, everyone.
I don't want to talk about specifics, but let's just say that my life, in the abstract, is going pretty well. And then -- I hate that the good things in my life, like being saner and braver than I was, lead me to try to do things that I'm not good at (yet) and I screw up because I am doing new unfamiliar things and then I am back in the same old pattern of feeling destroyed by not being perfect. This is a pattern at work and at home right now; less of a problem at work right this second, but it's been enough of an issue in the past that I don't doubt it's a pattern I'm going to need to cope with in the future (and I'm currently not happy about my coworkers and my boss, the latter of whom I am beginning to suspect plays favorites and the former of whom I think harbors sexist opinions about me). At home, it's social anxiety and introversion combining with usual roommate stuff to make me actively not want to be in my apartment ever, and I just renewed my sublet lease, and I feel like I have no space or power, all I can do is cower and apologize and be smaller and take up less room and be more invisible.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2014-11-26 05:39 pm (UTC)I don't want to talk about specifics, but let's just say that my life, in the abstract, is going pretty well. And then -- I hate that the good things in my life, like being saner and braver than I was, lead me to try to do things that I'm not good at (yet) and I screw up because I am doing new unfamiliar things and then I am back in the same old pattern of feeling destroyed by not being perfect. This is a pattern at work and at home right now; less of a problem at work right this second, but it's been enough of an issue in the past that I don't doubt it's a pattern I'm going to need to cope with in the future (and I'm currently not happy about my coworkers and my boss, the latter of whom I am beginning to suspect plays favorites and the former of whom I think harbors sexist opinions about me). At home, it's social anxiety and introversion combining with usual roommate stuff to make me actively not want to be in my apartment ever, and I just renewed my sublet lease, and I feel like I have no space or power, all I can do is cower and apologize and be smaller and take up less room and be more invisible.